Discovering Myself while Mommying' at 40

 Ok, so I've just turned 40! Wondering if my plan A of becoming a professional nurse, wife, and mother aren't what I thought it would be. My plan B to become an instructor and get a Masters degree in education didn't provide the gratification of success I desired either. Now what? How do I discover who I am while still operating at full throttle in my current life versus the ideal life in my head?

    How can it be that I literally have everything I've asked God for and still I am so freakishly unhappy. I long to enjoy life instead of just living in it. I chose to really sit down and ponder the life I've created for myself vs the life I believe I want now. I came up with the following:   

Mistake 1, Not having a financial plan.

I had a career as a nurse in NYC making almost $70,000/year. I felt excited to buy things that made me feel good. Like a Mercedes for my 1st vehicle, designer handbags, expensive girl-cations, and a dead beat boyfriend who never seemed to have any money to fit any bills. I was on a quest to feel good so I surrounded myself with things that looked good outwardly. I also fell further into debt. I worked 12 hour shifts, 13 days a month, I lived paycheck to paycheck, I slept and spent money on my days off. I didn't take the time to build a foundation for my future. I just kept creating terrible financial situations.

 

 

Mistake 2, Going back to college for a second degree without a plan after graduation. There was a wave at work and everyone I knew seemed like they were going back to school to get a degree. Meanwhile I was busy popping out babies :-) . By my 3rd child I decided to go back to school and pursue a Master's degree in nursing education. However after I graduated I couldn't imagine being in a class room and teaching students (My hats off to all teacher's). I couldn't imagine doing anything in my life besides barely keeping up with mudang day to day task of raising my 4 children, make that 5 if you count my husband. The early mornings, being tired beyond belief and still having to function for the sake of the children wore me down. Having to constantly, with every breath in my body, put others first at every single waking moment of my life. Despite having a partner. 

    Now, I'm surrounded by debt, I have 4 children, a husband, homework x 4, teachers x 4, lives to worry about x4 , and in the mist of all this managing of the children's lives I am still somehow responsible for carrying out request made from my husband. When exactly am I supposed to carry out the request of My Life?  How do I fit My Time in? Without identifying my life's purpose, Life started to feel overwhelming. I very often felt like taking myself out of the equation. I battle with this idea of being able to hit a reset button. However life has no reset button, right. Once your dead, your dead. Once you make a bad move all of social media is in on it. Make one bad move your family and friends are right there to judge and provide opinions. 

    Now, I am feeling stifled. I went on for months having dreams of being kidnapped. I'd subconsciously taken myself away from the situation I have created called, My Life. But what do I do now. How do I cry for help, fix dinner, and plan my life while crawling through what feels like quick sand to put one foot in front of the other? 

The fact is we all come from different backgrounds. Different in race, spirituality, sexuality, different love languages, even our levels of complacency differ. So how does one continue to evolve as a bein? Who/what do we compare our life's to as a litmus test. How do I balance My life as an entity of its own and not relate it to anyone or anything else? Is that even possible? Could the comparison of my life to others be the reason of my regret?                    

       While I don't have any of the answers to my life's questions, I have discovered writing makes me happy. I've discovered the importance of Me Time. I have learned to enjoy my life as it is because I only have one. All of the ups and downs of my life are just that. MY LIFE. In order to feel happy in it I must accept it and the journey that it brings me on.  At 40, I started taking time getting to know myself. There is literally no one else in the world like ME. What better way to enjoy my days on earth understanding my feelings, emotions, desires, needs, and wants.

    For example, I often imagine and live my life as a single mother.  I'd find myself so angry at what my husband wasn't doing as a father that It altered my mood severely. How come he get's to go out whenever he wants? Why doesn't he seem to care that he works so much and spends what little time he has with the children yelling over chores. I'd be so caught up in what he should be doing that I lost track myself. I learned I can only rely on myself for happiness. Yes, I am married, but my husband can't and never will never be a mother.  I close this chapter of my blog wide eyed , confused, searching for free thought. The constant interruptions of children is driving me mad. Maybe the answer is getting away every couple of months! What to do when you don't want this life anymore. Am I going crazy? 

Me time Tip:

Writing can help to focus your inner feelings. I wrote this blog when I was in a dark place for whatever reason. As I look back at this documented moment I don't recall why I felt so overwhelmed that I wanted to end my life. During times of strong emotions write your feelings down. later reflect on them as a reminder that life is worth living and this too shall pass.

 

Putting me first with ME TIME!